I Still Believe
by Darksinokaru
Summary: When L’s personality begins to drastically change along with his beliefs, Light takes it upon himself to figure out what L’s been hiding. Sometimes, beliefs are forced to change. And Sometimes tragedy binds people. Light/L
1. I'm The Victim

Summary: When L's personality begins to drastically change along with his beliefs, Light takes it upon himself to figure out what L's been hiding. Sometimes, beliefs are forced to change. And Sometimes tragedy binds people. L/Light

Author: Darksinokaru

Pairing: Light/L

Rating: M

My very first Death Note fan fic! Please be gentle! OOC, probably. Since the situation is the way it is, but I tried my best! I still hope you enjoy though!

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I Still believe

His body stumbled and pitched forward as his beaten figure tried to push quickly through the air. He fell hard against a wall, panting and groaning in pain. Raising his dark eyes he could see and hear the busy life of the citizens. Men, women and children walking down the crowded streets, wrapped up in their own lives.

How come no one seemed to notice? Surely there was at least one Good Samaritan that could have called the police. Or save him! Or was he… Ignored?

L sank down to the alley floor a few feet from the street and pulled his knees to his chest. His white was dirty with trash, mud, dirt and sweat, stretched and torn. His pants barely hung onto his bony hips, the zipper broken and button missing. A dark bruise was almost fully formed on his right cheek and his left eye. His bottom lip was split open and dried with blood; his knuckles were bloody and cut. L's hair was even more disheveled than normal, and his eyes were red and swollen with unshed tears.

What had happened? L couldn't seem to recollect. What had he been doing? Something related to the Kira case, no doubt. L knew he'd been attacked, the state he was in made that painfully clear, as well as a worrying burning, ripping pain in his rectum. L closed his eyes and shook his head; he couldn't think it. He couldn't! He didn't want to remember, he didn't want to try. He refused…

To think that he, the greatest detective in the world, would become a victim. He was supposed to save the victims, protect them, not become one of them.

It was such a humiliation. L didn't even want to be seen, to see anyone he knew… He wanted to hide, to curl into a ball and go back into his head as he often did as a small child.

No… This could not be! It couldn't! L's eyes grew wide and then he buried his head into his arms crossed over his knees. He didn't want to… How could he? Face anyone ever again? Light? What would he think? The detectives? Even Watari, what would his expression be? One of pity? Would they pity him?

L wasn't exactly sure how long he'd stayed in that spot, curled into a ball, but when he finally felt that he had the courage to once again raise his face to the world, it was getting dark. And he'd ignored a multitude of phone calls.

_'Am I so weak? I'm I think pathetic? No. I'm not so weak as to not do anything. I will not sit back and watch the world pass me by.'_ L had seen enough of rape victims to know that too often they would shut themselves up and never tell a soul. Meanwhile the guilt, the fear, the anger, the pain, the blasphemy of what was done to them, would eat at them until they could no longer even live a real life. L would not become that.

Using the wall as a crutch, L rose to his feet, one shoe missing as he pulled out his scuffed up cell phone. L still couldn't recall what happened, but he did discover a really nasty bump on the side of his head that would account for the memory loss. L also knew that he'd struggled, fought back, and since his phone had been found under a dumpster, L could only guess that he had tried to use it.

Leaning against the wall and punching in the single dial L waited for an answer. The phone was answered in what L conceived as haste, and Watari's grave, worried voice gasped out. It was such a strange thing to hear Watari to fearful, so unkept.

"It's me… I need you to pick me up." No questions were asked as L relied his location by looking up at the buildings, his mind supplying the name of streets and numbers. He'd been down this road a few times and had already stored the information in the vastness of his mind. There was only one thing he could not remember, and that was this whole day…

He had been about to do something important… He knew it; he felt it in his gut. But what? L was afraid to try to remember, he was afraid of what happened to him. L knew not knowing would make things easier, but he still had to know what happened before… L swallowed thickly and his lips trembled at the mouthpiece of the phone in hesitation.

"Watari? I need a medical examination." L felt his insides shrivel up and grow cold, but he had to. He had to catch his culprit… He couldn't leave it at this; it couldn't be allowed to continue… When Watari asked that dreaded question, L gasped when he felt cold liquid trickle down his sullen cheeks. His said nothing else, just stood where he was, tears running down his face.

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He had to face the facts. He was raped. He had become a victim.

If anything before hadn't been humiliating enough, the examination was worse. L now regretted ever telling any victim to be examined. How could they live with this? He didn't even remember and he couldn't stand it, how did they feel? L's muscles were tense and trembled with tension.

"Please relax sir." L gritted his teeth and tightened his fists. How utterly disgusting this was. Having to do this. How despicable he felt. How utterly abhorred he was with himself. L wanted to once again disappear. He wanted to crawl into some small, dark space and never again come out into the light of day. L almost had a mind to call of the examination and just go back to HQ.

Watari wrapped his old warm hands around L's shaking fist and L pulled his face away. Being in this position with someone sticking things up his rectum was such an utter disgust. He couldn't bear that Watari was there. But despite wanting Watari gone, he also didn't want to do this alone.

L… Was scared.

L was always struggling with himself. His goals, his beliefs, those had always been easy to hold onto, unshakable. But he himself as a human being was always difficult to understand. It was easier to just simplify things. Don't think about yourself. You are insignificant. You are unimportant. You are merely an instrument. What matters is justice, righteousness, being right. But depending on the crime and severity, his attacker would only get so many years, was that really justice? Was he really getting what he deserved? No… He deserved worse.

_'He should suffer the same as his victims.' _L thought bitterly when a quiet, calm rage suddenly started to build within his chest and heat his skin.

"All right. We're done." L was finally able to get up and stand appropriately, no longer having to expose himself. L quickly fixed his new pair of pants, his gaze lingering on his toes, unable to look up at the woman in shame. How disgusting that must have been for her.

"The tests will be back in a few weeks." For some reason, L felt a sudden trigger go off in his brain and his heart raced with adrenaline and he finally looked up at her.

"A few weeks? Do you realize how many more victims there could be?" The dark haired female doctor sighed.

"I'm sorry sir, we'll get these samples tested as soon as we can." L felt his anger boil. In other words, they weren't a priority. L jumped a little when he felt Watari step behind him and place both hands on his shoulders.

"Calm down Ryuuzaki." L looked back at Watari.

"If you'd like, we can give-"

"No." L's anger still hadn't dissipated, but at least he could control it. There was no point in getting angry at this woman. She was insignificant, just like he was in the big scheme of things.

"There are more important things than those samples." L felt an urge to bite his tongue off for saying it, but he knew it needed to be done. For now, he'd have to try and do things on his own, without any DNA. Besides, his attacker could have used a condom, making DNA unusable. With that thought L followed Watari out of the hospital room in complete silence. Watari was quiet like usual, but there was a disturbance about him.

"Watari. Could you have a few police officers collect the trash and canvas the area around where you picked me up. There might be evidence." Watari opened the door to the car for L when the two reached it.

"I've already sent out a notice." L nodded as he crawled into the car. Inside L grabbed his shirt and smelled it before pressing it to his chest. L never knew he'd be so glad for clean clothes. When L caught the culprit, he'd have to burn his old ones. He couldn't even stomach the thought that he'd sat and worn them for so long.

As the car drove down the street toward HQ L was met with the kind of talk he'd been afraid of.

"Why not rest when you get back to HQ?" Watari suggest and L felt his stomach roll in disgust at the sympathy.

"No. Resting will not aid in the capture of Kira." That's right. He was unimportant. He was insignificant. What was important was the capture of Kira. Kira had to be stopped.

"Very well." L could hear the disappointment in Watari's voice and ignored it. Yes, work. That would be best. He wouldn't have to think about it then…

But a part of him still knew… He had to remember what he had been doing. What had been so important.

_'I want to believe that I can handle this, but can I? Am I really strong enough?'

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Yeah… Something that I thought of. It's always Light getting raped so I thought I'd try and just change it around, just to be different. This is, of course, an Light/L fic. I'm curious what you guys think, so let me know! If this is liked I'll continue!


	2. Trying To Be Myself

Hey guys! Chapter 2 it out now! Thank you all so much for reviewing! It's what got this chapter out and running! Thank you guys so much!

Reviewers:

Aurora Moon

Miklusca

Lady Laran

Anon

Persefone88

Taka

Thank you so much! I hope you guys enjoy!

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**Trying To Be Myself**

Everyone in HQ was incredible tense with the advent of L's unexplained disappearance. They'd tried everything they could, and could only shiver in the fear of the possibility that Kira caught him. Not one man voiced it, but all thought it, and feared it. If L, probably the most secure man in all the world from Kira, was dead, then they were all doomed.

Light gasped and everyone was huddled around him in seconds, staring up into one of the many monitor screens that displayed the main foyer room, standing there with Watari, was L. A deep wave of relief washed over every man's heart, but at the same time, their muscles wound up stiff. How utterly un-responsible L's absence had been! L may have been childish and immature, but he was definitely responsible, so immediately the men were torn between just being happy, and being annoyed. Of course, Light was the most expressive about it as he turned toward the door with a scowl already in place.

But as soon as L walked in, his beaten face greeting theirs, any kind of semblance of anger or annoyance quickly faded. L walked with a slight limp into the room with Watari close behind. The detectives took in the bruised cheek, black eye, and split lip with shock and horror. Light immediately noticed L's hanging hands, and that the knuckles were split and dried with blood. He looked like he'd been in one hell of a fight, nothing at all like the scuffles he and Light got into.

_'And it looks like L lost.'_ It was silent and still for a long moment before Shoichiro stepped up and looked at L cautiously.

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"Ryuuzaki, where have you been? We've been worried… Are you all right?" L's stoic expression didn't change in the least as he walked by the group before pausing.

"We were really worried!" Matsuda cried to reinforce Shoichiro.

"I apologize for having gone missing. I must have a shower now." Confusion echoed on everyone's face as L turned to head into the shower. Already he felt a strange chill at the end of his spine, making him want to almost run into the hot water and scrub.

"What were you doing?" All attention went Light as he stepped forward in front of the small group. L stared at Light passively. L's thumb went to his lips habitually but said nothing. He had no answer; he did not know what he had been doing.

"Nothing of your concern." It was the only answer L was willing to give and Light crossed his arms stubbornly in irritation.

"You make it so that you must know all of our doings. You monitor our every move and listen in on our every word." L shifted uncomfortably when Light stalked right up to him. Usually those eyes that L found himself able to stare into unwaveringly, to brave for hours on end, made his heart jump and L did the unthinkable. He bowed his head down, such a submissive reaction. A part of L wailed for it, but another heaved a sigh of relief to not have to stare into Light's harsh, angry gaze.

"I'm sorry." Light's eyes widened in pure shock as L turned and left the room, leaving a stunned Light rooted to the spot.

What just happened? What was with L's response? His reactions? Light stared after L's bent gait; somehow it looked a lot heavier, like it was made of lead, and even… Sadder.

"Just what the hell happened?" Light whispered to himself but shook his head. Once things picked up again and he was able to get rid of L (well, he was going to make Misa do it), he would be out of his hair forever.

L realized with a start when he was in the shower that he'd never really be clean. It was a strange, stomach sickening feeling that left him trembling despite the scorching heat of the water pouring down over him and staining his pale skin red. Picking up a washcloth L put a huge amount of soap on it and started to scrub, but the fabric was too soft. L quickly gave up after a few moments, feeling nauseous and irritated with the cloth. And it only magnified when he saw the dried remnants of blood still on his thighs. All of it together made L want to puke and he felt his throat grow tight. Stepping out of the shower and cracking the door L was met with a sight he expected.

"Watari. Do we have any anti-bacterial soap? And a sponge? A dishwashing one?" L wanted to really scrub.

"Ryuuzaki, is that really necessary?" Watari asked as he turned and checked through a small supply closet.

"I NEED to be clean." The need was definitely emphasized and Watari gave a morose sigh when he returned with a large yellow sponge and a bar of Anti-bacterial soap.

"I'm not allowing you to hurt yourself." Watari said surprisingly sternly and L begrudgingly took the items with a quiet thank you before clothing the door.

Light slipped away from the cracked door, expression perplexed. None of that sounded right, and all that steam that billowed out of the bathroom along with L's completely red face belied to hot incredibly hot that shower was. None of L's actions seemed right. It was as if he were utterly filthy and needed extra help to get it off and clean.

"Light." Light tensed at the unexpected voice that interrupted his musings, but then relaxed when he recognized the voice a split second later and looked up to see his Dad standing a few feet in front of him in the hallway.

"Yeah Dad?" Light asked in his saccharine voice.

"Do you have any thoughts on this sudden turn of events…" Light frowned.

"I think we've all noticed something is very wrong, and not just by his appearance." Light shook his head.

"I'm afraid I'm as lost as you all are." Shoichiro nodded.

"All we know is that he disappeared for roughly ten hours from early this morning, roughly the time I left for school, with no warning or contact." Shoichiro nodded.

"Keep your eyes on him. He seems the closest to you." Light nodded, his face sickly sweet and innocent.

"I will." Shoichiro nodded and left back to the surveillance room. As soon as Light was sure Shoichiro was completely out of earshot, Light sneered. Of course he would keep his eyes on him, he was going to get rid of the troublemaker.

"Don't worry, I'll keep a very good eye on him." Ryuk chuckled behind him and Light looked up at him.

"This turn of events is very interesting… So Light, what will you do?" Light smirked as he walked away.

_'Don't worry Ryuk, I'll keep you entertained as I play my part of the caring, concerned colleague.'

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It wasn't until over an hour later that L finally emerged, his skin bright pink. Light quirked a brow.

"Hot shower?" L looked at Light and nodded once as he crawled into his usual chair, but Light immediately noticed something was off. L was being cautious in his seating position, balancing backward against the back of the chair. That wasn't right, and definitely didn't look comfortable. Looking around, Light wasn't surprised that he was the only one to seem to notice.

"…agami-kun?" Light snapped to attention.

"Yes?" And he was met with L's dark gaze.

"Stop daydreaming." Light frowned and righted himself to face the computer in front of him.

"Sorry."

"Are the killing's continuing?" Shoichiro nodded and launched into an explanation to cover what went on when L was absent.

"I see… So there are really no new developments..." Everyone, Light included, gasped. How could L say something like that? And with so little seeming care? To L, there was always something, no matter how miniscule it was, and he'd search days for it with no sleep. L's thumb went to his lips as he stared at the computer screen in front of him.

"On the other hand, it appears that Kira's existence has done two extremes." L said as he stared down at his scuffed up foot. When Light saw the huge scab on L's toe, and the little scratches all over his right foot, his heart pumped with adrenaline. L got that in the fight too? Just whom did he pick a fight with? Or… Who attacked him… The possibility dawned on Light and somehow, a lot of little things made sense. But who did it? Where? What really happened?

"It appears he stopped the daily occurrence of most crime, but there is an increase in vile crimes." Light stared hard at L, completely aghast with this information.

"Vile?" L looked at Light calmly and nodded.

"Crimes that usually go unreported. Crimes involving mostly abuse, rape, and molestation. Of course, ones where the perpetrator has made sure to leave no DNA, and managed to do it with no witnesses." Light gasped. Now that he thought about it, only those that had complaints against, those who had been arrested or imprisoned, were the ones he'd killed. He had no way of getting anyone else. And now these guys were doing it more, why?

"Perhaps they think that since the all mighty Kira hasn't killed them yet, he can't. Perhaps they think themselves immune. They're probably enjoying the thrill." Light cursed. Because of making himself appearing like an omnipotent God from previous endeavors, he was causing this rise. But without any way to know the culprits name and face, they were free to run rampant until the police caught them. Light forced himself to keep his outrage in check should L find it suspicious. Light only allowed a good measure of anger for the situation, allowing Matsuda to help make up for his lack of shown rage.

"Damn it! Ever since Kira came things have been so screwed up!" Matsuda cried in anger and L nodded.

"What do you propose we do, Ryuuzaki?" Shoichiro asked and L immediately wanted to say to track down his rapist and arrest him, and then maybe… No! He was not like that! L couldn't believe he'd been about to let himself even in indulge in letting his name and face slip in the news so that Kira could kill him. He shouldn't. But as L's fists tightened and jaw tensed, he knew very well he wanted to kill the bastard. He wanted to make him suffer. And all this without any memory of it, he could only imagine how much worse it would be if he did remember. But…

"We need to focus on Kira." L forced himself to relax, but now his stomach felt sick again and his throat was tight, accompanied by trembling muscles.

"Yes, Kira is our main objective. The other police officers can take care of the other criminals." Shoichiro agreed. L's stomach lurched and his body brimmed with rage, his muscles tense and trembling hard again. But he could catch him! He could stop him! He could make sure the son of a bitch suffered! L knew if he did it, he could torment him, make him wish he'd never been born. The thought of someone else doing something about it, something so personal, made L feel even sicker and want to punch something. To kick and throw a fit. L felt sicker and sicker, and heat bloom all over his body.

Light stared at L with wide eyes, unconsciously moving back from him as the other detectives stared with open mouths at L. What was going on?

"Excuse me." L barely gasped out before jumping from the chair and throwing himself across the room, reaching the trashcan just in time to puke all over it violently. The team watched in abject horror as they watched L puke one more time before dry heaving over the trash when his stomach was completely empty of the little bit he'd eaten before coming into the surveillance room.

"Ryuuzaki!" All the men could do was stare, dumbstruck. No one moved for a long moment, but Watari suddenly appeared from the door and moved directly by L's side, gently resting his hand on L's heaving, bowed back.

"Ryuuzaki, I want you to rest." Watari said in, once again, that stern, firm voice and this time, L merely nodded.

"Ryuuzaki." L took the napkins Watari pulled from his jacket pocket and wiped his mouth as Shoichiro spoke.

"What happened to you?" L said nothing; simply let the stubborn elder man lead him toward the bedrooms on the upper floor.

"Please continue work." L croaked and the door shut behind him, leaving the room stunned and more tense than ever before.

TBC…

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All done! Poor L. Things will probably just keep escalading too, especially between L and Light. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed! Please review and tell me watcha think! I'd love to hear it! ((I always sound so hyper in the A/N huh?))


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